Reflections

Yay! I'm baaack! Had a damn tiring day. PE, what else, du-uh.

Due to months of slacking, my legs had to pay the price in sweat. Take it like a man, gal!

Anyways.

A chat I had earlier today with a friend dug up old memories buried within. While she talked, flashes of images appeared in my mind. And the occasional beeping of emotion in my heart. (Girls are such emotional creatures. Sometimes I hate myself.)

There was this brief reenactment of my grandfather's death in my head. I was fortunate enough to have been ther during the last few moments of his life. He had that freakin disease called cancer. It was chronic as it had already spread to other organs. But we didn't tell him. He was a simple, loving man who did not have a high education. He thought Debbie(the nurse) who came to visit regularly was just because of a fall he had a few weeks ago.

Like my friend's grandad, his physical and mental condition deteriorates at a speed which left me speechless. However, i do not know wether he had alzheimer, but he started acting strange.

I would not go into details, but his condition was heart-wrenching. Since I'm the first ever grandchild he had, he doted on me lots (and now I'm plump, thx) and protected me from my parent's chidings. But at that time, he was robbed clean of any memory of us, it seems.

Yes, I saw his last moments. Saw his face. Saw the life draining away from him. We are just vessels. I know. It was strange how at that moment, seeing him, and hearing the adults in my family reciting some special verses (surah Yaasin) from the Quran, I felt a sense of quietness, almost peaceful. I was supposed to be crying and straring anguishedly like my cousins and my sister. But tears were not pouring down my cheeks. No, they were like thin strings, almost non-existant save for my red eyes. That night, as the adults took over to manage my grandad who was then lying motionless...I lay beside my cousin...and shut my eyes as tight as I could and blamed myself for feeling such shallow regrets at his dismissal.

Tears should be raining my face. I should not have eaten any dinner. I was supposed to feel traumatised...at seeing someone who had showered me with love, just dissolve into the realms of the spirits. But I ate the rice anyway.

I realise as I'm typing these, there is this ache on my chest. It's the kind of ache that makes you wanna cry. I guess at that moment when he breathed his last breath,something went 'snap' in me. And I saw that I was taking many people in my life for granted. Now I had to see someone special to me go away, with my very own eyes. Being there beside him. Doing nothing to ease his pain that comes packaged with death. Helplessly watching as his eyes watered and his grip slackens. It pains me.

And in fact, I'm crying right now, when I really shouldn't be, coz in a few
minutes, I'm supposed to be at the dinner table.

I just feel that I should let go of these emotions once in a while. I'd feel too compressed.

A week later, it was Hari Raya. On eve of that day, I was lying on me bed. And I was thinking of how I used to kiss his old hands and ask for forgiveness, an act which I had taken for granted all these years during Hari Raya....

.........
....guess we should live in the 'now'...............
.....

*laughs* Just this morning, as I was walkin to school, listening to my zen, the song Far Away by Nickelback was on. As I was listening to the lyrics, I lifted my head, and saw the birds on the trees. Then I saw a father sending his daughter to school. And I felt my body growimg warm and warmer, and I smiled.

=)