Finally!

Finally can take pictures with my fav cousin! Yay! >.<
They went back to visit their kampong, so my first day of raya was SO lonely. Not very close with paternal side. My maternal side is closer, but there isn't really any proper family there. I mean, there are my mom's siblings (5 including her), which makes them my aunts and uncles. but then minus off 1.5 from that, and we get 3.5. One of tham 3.5 is in california right now, so that makes it 2.5, including my mom. So this year, there was minimal gathering at my house. There wasn't even a family pic like other years. Then there is my granma, without my dear granpa. What, it's been like 3 or 4 years now..But then, it stops at my granma. Sort of. I only know that my great-great granma has passed away. I know that my granma has 3 other siblings, but where i do not know. Oh, she has her adopted family though. All thanks to my great great granpa, wherever u are (in India perhaps, eating prata).

All i wonder is how it would be, how I would turn out to be, if my granma was not given away. Probably i wouldn't have my name. Probably i would have some chinese name, with Tan as a surname. Probably my mom wouldn't even exist coz my granma wouldn't have married my granpa (i miss him so so much i am guilty and i am sorry). Then i too probably couldn't have existed. I wouldn't have known my dad. I would be someone else in this world.

But then i am me now, and i am here. All i can do is wish and pray that i may know my origins and ask, if only, to glimpse at my blood relatives whom have intrigued me. I wanna know my great great granma. She was a great woman. To toil alone without her husband (that man has gone sailing i think. He was a sailor) with 3 other small kids, and a baby(my granma) to take care of. It wasn't her who decided to give away my granma. It was her husband. Yeah, give the baby away, stir up an argument, then pack and leave for his homeland, India. What is my great great granma to do? Buy a ticket back to China? He had forsaken her on this small island ALONE. And loneliness is gray and cold.

Oh SHIT. I shouldn't even GO there..back to hari raya then.



Yep...it's the 2nd week of celebration. Hopefully by next week, we can finish up going to all of the necessary houses. It's quite troublesome u know, having to call up and almost always, they are never home. So it's pushed to tomorrow.


Anyways, there is this nagging feeling in my mind. Read hidaya's latest entry and found out that part about 200 students get kicked out and failed and stuff. If one of them unfortunate souls is me, all i can say is goodbye. I will abandon all. Everything. Every single thread of hope for anything in my life.


Why does every single post have to have some negativity in them? damn it.


I know i'm a positive person. It's just difficult sometimes. Tumbling through life. I'm sorry for being so negative. But when u're cruising in shades of gray, it's difficult to peel those shades to find colours underneath. It takes courage and energy. It's exhausting.


Oh, i just borrowed a book from Ellen Hopkins It's called Impulse. The last book i read by her was burned, and god, that was SUCH a SAD book. I nearly cried, i really did. reading through 3/4 of it right now. It's about depression and a place called Aspen Springs, and 3 friends :Connor, Tony and Vanessa, and hope and friendship and the truths of life and abandonment. I find little bits of me in each of those characters.

They're really interesting and Ellen Hopkins is such a genius.